I Said Goodbye To The Girl Reading This Today

read this at old flings but don’t get emo about it. when you’re all nice to me it makes me feel like im dying. like a kid in the hospital sees iron man come to his room and call him champ.

i said goodbye to jack danger today. hes seen my butthole but tonight at his apartment we share his bed like gay nuns. i told him i dont like hotel beds because i dont know whose cum in them. when he leaves the city forever i hug him and leave with a defiantly flippant “later.” i go back home to my bed, where i know whose cum is in the sheets. but only for the most part. “that’s funny” jack says. “you’re in there too” i say. 

i said goodbye to matt today. in the back of the shop i was secretly crying about having to say goodbye to jack but i had to stop crying because i heard matt say ‘this looks like her clit fell off’ so obviously i had to go investigate. he shows me a yonic-looking burger and i wipe my tears. 

i said goodbye to veronica today. fellas, is it gay to rebuild? 

i said goodbye to maddie today. fellas, it’s definitely gay to say “new york won’t be the same without you.” 

i said goodbye to kyle today. i might have to back to ohio and lick my wounds. my credit score is satanic so ohio might be my fate. at least for now. im not resigning to anything but im trying to do everything. kyle is trying to do everything. a few nights ago we grasped each others hands and wept openly at the play about the stripper with the intimacy issues and failing acting career. 

i said goodbye to peter today. a jewish actor / writer / meme-page and a former-skater asian girl tattoo artist from nyu walk into a bar. this is the plot to both sillyboy and the interview that will get us both canceled, much like the movie, the interview but instead of north koreans we have filipinos. peter told me hes anti gooning. when i said i was vehemently anti anti gooning he said ‘i get that sense from you’ and i got scared that he thought i was some sort of goon-addicted virgin. peter told me it’s clear im not a virgin. nice. peter then psychoanalyzed me and my mommy issues. not nice. 

i said goodbye to peter’s trump supporter heckler today. theres something so homoerotic about having a male nemesis. did your father not hug you enough? hashtag summer of freud. 

i said goodbye to noah today. he and sid went challengers mode atop my twisted tea so i went back in time and fucked lee harvey oswald and held the gun for him from behind his slutty little waist. 

i said goodbye to steve today. i met him skating in the fountain when his hair was long and people were making tiktoks asking Who The Hot Guy In The Park Was. he put on spotify’s official “Sounds Of Indie Sleaze” playlist at his going away to war party. thats when i learned that the united states will likely never win another war again becuase now we have soldiers who listen to the dare. 

i said goodbye to harrison today. the night i get back from peter’s i asked him to guess where i spent the last 20 hours. he guesses prison. 

i said goodbye to writing today but not before i learned that two girls were caught eating each other out in the bathroom of our issue 21 launch party. 

i said goodbye to mewing today. im not mewing bc im smiling im not mewing because im laughing im not mewing because i love you im not mewing because we are kissing im not mewing because i am defending your name im not mewing because someone is in my mouth

i said goodbye to performing today. i think being on camera brings out the worst in people. the desperation of wanting to be seen coupled with the perceived competition of the allegedly finite pool of new york clout. but how can it be finite if im on the flyer. i’m like allen ginsberg if he had more sex. i’m like richard siken if he didn’t cyber harass me for two days straight when i was 17. im like if patti smith was worse and asian. 

i said goodbye to lucas today. together we make 1.25 asian people. hes the ethnically accurate wasian robert maplethorpe to my filipino patti smith. aka tita patricia samillano

i said goodbye to my first legal apartment today. apologies to everyone who fucked me on my mattress on the floor where the ceiling was only three feet above our heads. i cant help but be a writer. everything has a past. 

i said goodbye to paying my psychiatry balance today. what are they gonna do. make me worse ? 

i said goodbye to spelling things out today. i’m thinking about how abbreviations started. how many people were fully typing 'laugh out loud' before one guy was like 'wait.' how many people loved each other so much they wanted to be able to say it quicker. like a reflex.

i said goodbye to reality today. she simu on my la til i crum. 

i said goodbye to democracy today. pussy so divine i gave that man the date of heaven. 

i said goodbye to fearing images of myself today. it may be fall but actor summer is forever. i can be cinematically washed up for the wannabe kar wais. put me in the movies. put me in the screens of your digital cameras. give me a bump, a moscow mule, and a bathroom floor to collapse on. put on some stone roses and point the camera at me. i'll take us both to sundance baby.

i said goodbye to my dad today. i think coming to terms with the fact that ill probably never be a lawyer is making that thing in his brain start growing again. but i really hope not. i’m saying goodbye to the thing in my dads brain. 

i said goodbye to my mom today. she told me i might be living too wildly. she doesn’t know im drinking for love. stella in sips when i'm in love and happy about it. tequila in full gulps when im in love and sad about it. rum and coke when im in love and angry about it. twisted teas when im in love and trying to forget about it. sapporo when im in love and ready to be over it. vodka and club mixers when im in love and afraid of it. white wine when im in love and too proud to admit it. juneshine when im in love and ready to be poetic about it. soju for when it comes creeping back in. warm beers once it's crept back in. unspecified beer pong potions when i'm still trying to figure out how i feel about it. i wrote this on the toilet while dressed like a 2010s scene kid. drinking smirnoff ice and trying to figure out how i feel about it.